DON’T CRY FOR ME – IN LOVING MEMORY
DON’T CRY FOR ME
by Pearlie Duncan Walker
When I’m gone; don’t cry for me
I am not dead; I’m in sweet eternity
I’ll live forever; I’ll wait for all of you
When it’s your time; it’s what God would have us do.
He called my name; He said come home
I did not die; please do not cry; I will no more roam
I’ll be by our Savior forever; soon, you too
We’ll walk in the light; praising God in all that we do.
Do not mourn for me; I have sweet victory
I’ll walk in Gods’ garden; and glories see
I am not dead; He set me free; an Angel called to me
Its beautiful here; Heavens’ full of cheer; you’ll see.
I did not die my love; I only went ahead
I knew you’d understand; though I know this, you’ll dread
That will pass too; do all God would have you do
Maybe up there God will let me have; a glimpse of you.
I did not die, so do not cry; I’ll meet you here one day
Jesus will send an Angel to bring you to me; all the way
Our love is sure; our hearts are strong
I did not die, so please don’t cry; I AM HOME!
ONE YEAR.
A WHOLE YEAR HAS PASSED since the fateful day that I lost a friend. Lost MORE than a friend – lost an encouragement, lost a joy, lost an angel. ONLY 17, she passed quietly in her own bedroom with her family gathered around her. The girl that had cried for life, been determined to live for so long. The friend that had struggled and fought for 16 long months. WE LOST, BUT HEAVEN GAINED something that must be making it brighter with each passing moment.
Alesya was born in Samara, Russia in 1990.
IN 1997, SHE AND HER FAMILY EMIGRATED TO CALIFORNIA for a new life, like so many other Russians. She was a star student, and was even seen on TV playing the violin. She was a beauty, and could have easily have been a model. Often I would gaze at her and shake my head in envy, wondering why some got all and others none:-). She had the sweetest personality of anyone I have ever met – her soft voice and sweet smile made me fall in love with her at once. As a child, I relished every moment I spent playing with her or spending time with her family. She was saved at a young age, and the love of God shining through her was obvious to see. Her mother Zoya often told us of how Alesya always was her right hand housekeeper, and loved to help clean the house. Her plans were to become a pediatrician, or “something to help people”, she told me. She wanted to get married and have a family. Not ambitious, her highest aims were to be used of God and reach out to other’s needs. And, ah, God granted her wish – though in a way that none of us had ever considered.
For ALESYA’S HEALTH BEGAIN FAILING IN EARLY 2007. Her family began to notice her growing weakness with alarm, and her mother raced her to the doctor when she began limping noticeably. A series of tests began, and I received this email from her younger sister Oksana -
“Nastya, please pray. Something is terribly wrong with Alesya. My mom is taking her to the doctor, and they have run tests, but they still haven’t figured out what is wrong with her. It is very scary. Please pray!”THE EMAIL COMPLETELY SHOOK ME. A slap in the face would not have startled me more. For, ironically, in the past my mind had sometimes contemplated the question – “What if Alesya ever became really sick and died?” Not a thought I ever tried to spend much time thinking over, as it was always sure to bring a torrent of tears, but now the irony of my thoughts actually scared me. What IF? Could my fears actually become reality? Sitting with my head in my hands, my mind wandered once more. What if her sickness proved to actually be something fatal? What if….oh, the thought made me shudder…what if she ended up with CANCER? And died? My mind painted vivid pictures of a dying friend in the hospital as we all stood saying goodbye to her. Oh, how could I BEAR to lose such a wonderful, beautiful friend? It was too much, and I broke down and sobbed bitterly at the thought. Then I straightened – sat up and shook the tears from my eyes. This was nonsense, I told myself. You are simply wasting time crying over nothing!
AH, BUT IT WAS NOT “NOTHING”. Not until she passed would I realize how accurate each of those fears would become. Looking back, I think it might have been God Himself, preparing me for the year to come.
ZOYA HAS TOLD US A POIGNANT STORY of God preparing her for the hardship before as well. Some time before Alesya fell ill, she had been following a story in the newspaper of a single mom and her boy with cancer. And when the boy finally died, Zoya found herself asking, “Oh, how could anyone bear to go through such a terrible thing as the slow death of a child?” Later, when she told us the story, she added tearfully, “Ah! Now I sees dat God was perpahring me foh de triahl I wood haf to face!”
THE NEXT EMAIL THAT CAME FROM OKSANA stated that Alesya had been transported to a large city some miles away to undergo an emergency surgery – they had found a tumor in her brain. The surgery was successful, she told me, and now they were running tests to see if the tumor was cancerous.
LATER, ZOYA TOLD US THE STORY of how Alesya, just recently out of surgery and barely able to move or speak, noticed an 18-month baby lying in a bed next to hers. This baby had already undergone several surgeries in it’s very short life, and it’s prospects were very grim. And Alesya saw the child, and her heart went out to it. Oblivious to her own suffering, Alesya struggled to speak the words, “Oh, Mom! The poor baby…..”
Several weeks of recovery followed.
WHEN WE STOPPED IN TO VISIT A FEW WEEKS AFTER SHE HAD COME HOME, we found a weak but radiant Alesya. Half of her body was paralyzed as a result of the damage the tumor had done, her movement was still slow and her speech slurred, but the love of life she had was strong. “Now,” she laughed, “I’ll have quite an exciting story to tell my kids!” Later when the adults filed into the kitchen for a Russian meal, Alesya detained me. She ordered Oksana, laughingly dubbed her “servant”, to rip the covers off of her and help her to her feet. Face radiant and wearing her lovely smile, she hesitantly took a few feeble steps toward me before falling back on her couch, exhausted. Gasping, she beamed “I just wanted you to see that I can STILL WALK!” Shortly after, the lovely flower began wilting and had to be carried off to bed by her faithful servant with the final command, “Take good care of my guests for me, Oksana, since I can’t!”
THEN, WEEKS LATER, THE TEST RESULTS CAME BACK, changing the lives of all of us. Something died within me as I read Oksana’s email -
“Nastya, I have terrible news. The test results have come, and Alesya has cancer.”
THE REST OF THE DAY, I WALKED AROUND THE HOUSE unable to do a single thing. My brain seemed hazy and my thoughts were scattered. The terrible weight on my heart would not lift. At church that night, I shared the terrible news with the congregation as a prayer request. Though they did not realize it, the sympathetic murmur they gave in response to my request soothed my pain a great deal. In particular, I vividly remember the look on Joy’s face when I announced the news – her jaw dropped in shock and face drawn as if about to cry. Somehow, this gave me a comfort I could not explain.
That night, I knelt to pray.
With a heavy heart, I unburdened my heart to the One who is always ready to listen. “Oh, God!” I cried. “Oh, please, Father, heal her! Raise her up! You know how I have prayed and prayed for her and her family ever since I have known them! Oh God, perform a miracle!”
And, out of the silence, He spoke. “My child, yes. I will perform a miracle. A great miracle. But it is not the miracle you are thinking of. For, Child, Alesya is not going to get well. I am going to take her to be with me.”
I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably. “No, God! NO! I don’t understand! You can’t do this! Oh, God NO! No! Heal her, can’t you please?”
I TOLD NO ONE OF THIS UNTIL ALESYA WAS DYING. In truth, I did my very best to forget it. Perhaps it had just been my imagination, I told myself. My emotions. I couldn’t let that take away my hope. But, deep in my heart, I couldn’t put the thought away. There is no mistaking the voice of God when He speaks. I knew. Nevertheless, I hoped against hope.
ALESYA BEGAN CHEMOTHERAPY, FULL OF HIGH HOPES AND HER INDOMITABLE SPIRIT. It was encouraging to all of us. Friends and family flooded her house just as flowers and letters flooded her mailbox. Despite her weakness, this was a happy time. She was well taken care of, the center of attention. “I’m even getting chubby!”, she said. Her youth group actually went in and redid the room that her brother had given up for her, writing messages all over the walls. God was providing the family with the boost they would need for the upcoming months.
AS CHEMOTHERAPY CONTINUED, Alesya grew weaker. But, finally, she finished, and MRI results came back showing the cancer had disappeared. We all rejoiced and praised God. The family was able to spend a week in Hawaii, one of Alesya’s favorite places to visit. Then, she went home to recover.
But she never did. Instead of growing stronger, she grew steadily weaker.
In late summer, I received another email from Oksana.
“Nastya, Alesya is very sick. She is growing weaker and weaker. She stays in bed most of the time, and she can hardly stand, even with me holding her up! She cannot even speak anymore.”AGAIN, THE SHOCK WAS NAUSEATING.
And here, I sincerely thank Felecia for all the encouragement and support she gave me during this particular time – not even knowing the girl. She stood by me, comforting me and reminding me that God’s will was perfect. Dearest, I don’t know what I would have done without you!
WE MADE PLANS TO GO VISIT THE FAMILY and bring Felecia and her mom along. Zoya, always the perfect hostess, ushered us in to the family with much laughter and hugs.
But when my eyes fell upon the thin, white, speechless form with the shaved head wrapped in blankets, I was absolutely stunned.
Alesya I knew, but THIS girl was something completely different from the laughing, healthy girl I had seen only months before. But the radiant smile on her face confirmed the truth. This was the same beautiful, dear Alesya I knew and loved.
THROUGH THE ENTIRE VISIT, ALESYA’S SMILE NEVER LEFT HER. She beamed through each verse we read to her, each song we sang to her. Though it was often hard to keep back the tears, it was a happy visit. The troubles seemed to bring us all closer together, and we did our best to enjoy every moment of this short visit. When we all knelt to pray and we asked Alesya if she had any prayer requests, she smiled her beautiful smile and communicated through her mother, “For me to get well!”
Zoya followed us as we all filed out of the house. When we turned to say goodbye, the poor woman broke down. Then, she told us the terrible news.
The most recent MRI results had come back, showing that the cancer had completely enveloped her brain.
They had not yet had the heart to tell Alesya. “De doctohs geeve us no hope.”, she sobbed. “Dey have sent huh home to die. All we cahn hope foh ees…ees a miracle!”
FELECIA AND I VISITED THE FAMILY NEARLY EVERY WEEK. But as time went on, the visits gradually sobered.Even though she still talked about the days when she would wear her high heels again, things began growing darker. Our visits were gradually confined to her bedroom that she rarely left, and our stays grew shorter and shorter. By the time we left, she was often too tired to even say goodbye.
ONCE WHEN I STOPPED IN TO VISIT, I entered the door to hear Alesya crying. When she had quieted a little, Zoya ushered me into the bedroom. “How are you , Alesya?” I asked. She suddenly burst into tears. In mute sympathy, I sat beside her with my arm around her, unable to swallow the lump that rose in my own throat.
Yes, these visits were dark. But there was something in them that I’ll never be able to put out of my memory.
My expectations were to bring comfort to a lonely, depressed, and frustrated girl in pain. I prepared myself to go to try to bring a little strength to a dying girl. But, oh, how wrong I was! For it was not her who received encouragement, but I! For, as her physical strength left her and her outer beauty diminished, she never complained to us.
We would enter the bedroom to find a face radiant with inner joy and peace. Her smile never seemed to leave her face, no matter her condition. The very presence of heaven seemed to fill her room. I watched the limbs grow weaker – but I could not help notice that the inner beauty was growing. I saw the hope in her eyes fading, but, oh! I watched her trust shine more brightly.
It was obvious that she had a hidden source of strength – for when her strength left, something bigger and brighter came to take its place. Something that radiated from her glowing eyes and constant smile. Something so immortal that I would often gaze at the shining face in shock, feeling that I was looking upon the face of an angel. Ah, indeed I was!
I OFTEN WONDER HOW ALESYA MUST HAVE FELT WHEN SHE REALIZED AT LAST THAT SHE MUST DIE. For the dear girl wanted to live so much, and held onto life until the very last! Ah, what pain she must have gone through! But it is a most beautiful picture – God, coming to her and asking, “Alesya, I know you want to live. I know you have had plans. But I know that you have given your life to me, Dear Daughter. And you have often told me that you wanted to be used, that you wanted to help others. Child, I have a plan bigger than that. I have a plan for you to help others in a way that no mortal body could ever do. My dear Child, I want you to die. Will you?”
Ah, what would we do if we were asked such a question? Could we obey?
ALESYA SAID YES, and submitted her fate to Him so sweetly and trustfully that it is now no wonder to me why that heavenly light shone from her eyes. She had given her all to Him, and was determined to die, if that was what He asked.
What actually went through the dying girl’s head, I’ll never know. But some weeks before her death, she began passing out all her belongings to her family. Everything seemed to be given in love, from the smallest item to the greatest. And, at last, she told her mother, “Mom, I want YOU to have my pillow!”
Then, one day, we received a phone call.
“Come quickly!” Zoya said. “She ees dying, and she ees now comatose. The nuss, she says she could go in a few hours, a few days. Come!”
We went. Dreading the trauma to follow, I grabbed Pippi Longstocking as we dashed out to the car. I did NOT want to cry!
BUT I LOST IT WHEN WE FILED IN SMALL GROUPS into the darkened bedroom to say goodbye. Alesya’s face was very pale, her eyes closed, her breathing very heavy. A coma. Yes, death was very near. One look at the dear face, and I began sobbing.
Then with Zoya’s permission, we all went into the bedroom to sing the song that had been her favorite – the song she had always requested during our visits. The song that had always made her face light up with happiness.
Beyond the borders of time, there’s a beautiful land
Where the Word of God is glory unfurled
Andy by the grace of God I someday will call it my home
I’ll never miss heaven for the world
I’ll never miss seeing Jesus
I’ll never miss seeing loved ones
Who’ve gone on before
I’ll never trade forever
For a few days down here
I’ll never miss heaven for the world
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord
Though the things of earth may try to allure
For the smile of God means more than sin’s brief, glittering days
I’ll never miss heaven for the world
I’ll never miss seeing Jesus
I’ll never miss seeing loved ones
Who’ve gone on before
I’ll never trade forever
For a few days down here
I’ll never miss heaven for the world
When we get to that place, it’ll be worth going through
All the trials and afflictions down here
I’m going to finish this race, going to see Jesus’ face
I’ll never miss heaven for the world
I’ll never miss seeing Jesus
I’ll never miss seeing loved ones
Who’ve gone on before
I’ll never trade forever
For a few days down here
I’ll never miss heaven for the world
Suddenly, in the middle of the song, Alesya suddenly moved. We watched breathlessly as her mouth opened and she began to cry. Zoya rushed in and threw herself on the bed. “Alesya! ALESYA!”, she cried, patting her hands and staring intently into her face. The poor, distraught woman turned to us and began rapidly speaking to us in Russian.
At last, we filed out of the room, each one stopping for a moment to say goodbye to the lovely angel that we would never see on earth again. I lingered by the bedside, hating to end this final moment. Then, brushing the hair from her eyes, I left, with a weight on my heart too heavy for tears.
For the following week, we waited in suspense. We jumped at every phone call, and the first words Felecia and I would exchange upon greeting were “Have you heard anything?”
Then, it came. Early in
the morning, the phone
rang. Alesya…..she was
free.
I wandered around the house listlessly, not knowing what to do with myself. “Oh, GOD!”, I moaned. “Why? WHY? Oh, how could You do this? She was so talented, so beautiful, so sweet! How could you take her, God? Oh, God, I prayed! I prayed for YEARS, and you promised me, Father, that they would all come to church someday. And now, this? Why, God? WHY?”
Then, once again, He spoke. “NO, Nastya. Stop. Yes, I heard your prayers. But, Child, what you don’t understand is that I have answered them in a way far greater than you could have ever dreamed of.
Daughter, I chose you – YOU – for this time.
When all her friends left her and life was very dull, I chose YOU to be there for her. I chose you to be the encouragement and strength the family needed. You wanted to spend time with her – and I created a way for you to spend every week with her, something that would have never happened otherwise. You were able to be her close friend during the last moments of her life.
THIS is why you met her, Nastya! This is the plan I had. It is because you were chosen.”
The title I chose quotes Alesya’s last words -
“Mom, don’t cry for
me!”
Ah, how can we cry when we realize that she has gone to such a beautiful place! That she suffers no pain, that she is where she longed to be. Oh, dear friend, we cannot miss you back – but we shall see you again, someday, and you shall smile upon us and say, “I told you so!”
And this is my tribute to the dear friend that left just a year ago.
21.04.2009 at 2:02 AM
We will understand it some day…..Her last words was “do not cry about me..” And later I realize that is what Jesus said leaving this world…” cry about yourself and chidren of yours” Looks like we know what to do…
so suck it up and smile!!!!
z
21.04.2009 at 4:09 AM
Aw, Nastya! I know you’re title is “Don’t Cry For Me” just as Alesya said – but it all makes me want to cry. We still miss her, even though we can hardly wish her back! I knew your post would be way more …. emotional, descriptive….idk – than mine. Yours always are. But oh well.
Sighs….can’t believe it’s a year. Well, God does know best even when we can’t see or understand! Lots of love to you – we’re in this thing together! 
You, me and God! Stay strong! 
21.04.2009 at 4:39 AM
NASTYA I CANT BELIEVE YOU!!! LOL… you made me cry!!! I never cry…
So sad…I miss her and I didnt even know her that well… she was just such a good girl and strong…I love you 
21.04.2009 at 5:49 AM
Nastya….the encouragement she was to you, you and Felecia are to us. Through this, we have seen the good burden you have carried and have been given a bright hope for the future of the Church, and how God is bringing His people, every one, together for His glory. What a humbling, sweet, larger-than-life thing to be a part of us. When we are all in Heaven, we will see the full plan and how even this, was used for His glory…and, how blessed WE are that He allows and trusts us to do our part. It’s a blessing to know the hearts of those we labor amongst…thank you for sharing yours so openly here. The slideshow was a beautifully put together presentation. How can we ever forget her beautiful, heart piercing smile?! I will always remember her for that wonderfully soul reaching smile…so piercing, you just had to look away!
21.04.2009 at 5:39 PM
Sweetheart… I wish I could be there right now. I would give you a big hug and a bigger tearful smile.
A thought struck me while I was reading this… what would I do if I was given one year to live??
Thank you so much for writing this, dearest sister. I can believe that you must have cried at least once during the writing of this post… I cried in reading it. God gives and God takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord! I don’t know why but I know that there is a why and God knows…
I will be praying for you and Alesya’s family.
I love you lots and lots!!! Remember that I am here if you ever need someone to talk to, even if we are thousands of miles away!!
Blessings… you are a wonderful instrument of God!
–Sarah ((((HUGS))))
21.04.2009 at 6:13 PM
I heard about you girls from a dear friend of Ayesha’s father. I loved your Cozy Scouts website and have kept you all in my heart and prayers these last two years. I am happy to hear that you girls are still blogging. Your life is a beautiful testament of the power of our Lord and the beauty of Ayesha’s spirit. It is very moving to read the personal memories of those who loved and miss her. Thank you for sharing. I am humbled and thankful for your memories.
Bless you.
22.04.2009 at 8:02 PM
Chelsea,
That was absolutely beautiful, and made me want to cry…..I almost did, but didn’t want to embarrass myself =/ She was truly an Angel, here on Earth. I think God took her to be with Him to teach us a lesson. He took her to teach us to treasure life, and live life for Him, and not fear death.
I visited her grave yesterday, and gave her a pink rose…..she will always be in our hearts, for her sweet, lovely, constant smile, and her big heart…..
Thank you so much for sharing. This gave me comfort and encouragement to stick with life, and treasure it, because lately, I have been feeling like I hate life =( I’ve asked God forgiveness for hating life, because there are some people whose lives have been taken from them.
I love you lots.
Could you email me the Barsukov’s address? I would like to send them a card.
Also, what version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” did you use for the slideshow? It is so sweet and lovely! <3
02.10.2009 at 11:59 AM
im feal so srry for her and that is really sad. i am sad to hear that and i hope that she is in a better place now… rest in peace…